Left in the Dark
by stranger12
Summary: He didn't think of the things he would leave behind


**Men in Black – Left in the Dark**

He didn't think of the things he would leave behind

* * *

As Jay sat in that bench after Kay left him, he pondered on all the things he would leave behind if he accepted the job he'd been offered, or he tried to, anyway, because in his heart, he already knew the answer, so in the end, he simply enjoyed the sunset and his last day as a man who didn't quite know of the wonders and horrors the Universe held, and what exactly he was going to be fighting.

"It's one hell of a job, this one, kid" – Kay commented during a lull on their first (and at the time, only) case – "Hell of a job" – he said, much quieter.

"I know"

"No, you don't. But you'll find out soon enough, we all do" – something cold and bitter appeared on Kay's face for a moment before he turned back to stoic. Then, Jay couldn't fathom what it could possibly mean.

He found out soon enough, once Kay was back to his regular, peaceful, alien–less life, what it truly meant to be a Men in Black.

For one, he was about the job, and only the job. All agents had apartments and everything, but none of them had much time to spend in them, as Jay quickly discovered. No longer did he clock out and go out for drinks with his colleagues, because he had little free time as was, and most of his colleagues were older, around Kay's age, with just as much unwillingness to have anything to do with a bright eyed guy like Jay, just out of the 'shadows of ignorance', as some called the outside world.

It was annoying, but Jay had had to deal with much more hostile environments before, and he wasn't about to bow down to some old timers who thought he was beneath them.

Turned out, it wasn't so much that they thought him lower than them, it was just that they had already forgotten what it was like to have a life outside of Men in Black, they forgot what it was like to have friends, to have days off, to drive down to the beach, to have vacation. Kay conveniently forgot to mention the severe downsides of the job when he recruited him, though Jay had been so excited to see behind the curtain that he wasn't sure he would've cared that much at the time.

As the months and years dragged on, he certainly started to care.

His mother had died some years prior, his father left when he was a child, and he was an only child. Never married, with no children and few friends, Jay was about as perfect for the job as it could get, but it didn't mean that he felt no bounds to the outside world, that he didn't miss all that remained behind once he put on the black suit and erased his already fleeting existence.

Jay started going out, when he wasn't too tired from a day of wrangling aliens, investigating horrific alien on alien or alien on human crimes, and he went to bars, clubs, whatever, just to be around people who had no idea about the dangers lurking underneath some people's happy masks. But he soon remembered Kay's words, his expression, and he realized it had taken a while, however he finally knew it.

Being a Men in Black was great, seriously, Jay felt as if he had been born to do it, he loved every moment of it, he loved the chase, always had, he loved being a kind of Detective to the stars, as it were. Truly, he loved it all. One thing he could not love was that, even when he was standing in the middle of a bar, no matter how charming and friendly he was, by definition, he could no longer be that visible, he could no longer leave long lasting impressions on anyone he met.

For a man who had once prided himself on being able to befriend any guy within minutes, and seducing a woman with but a smile, it was a hard truth to accept. His job consisted of being anonymous, blank, silent, forever a passing stranger who left behind not even his fingerprints. Everything that once made him a person had been erased just like that, and he'd done so willingly too.

"Do you miss it?" – he asked Kay when they became partners again. He did not need to look back at Kay to know what it looked like.

"Sometimes" – Kay answered evenly, and Jay had to wonder what he would tell people if it were him.

Did he miss it? Did he miss being the center of attention, being recognized even by people he had never met? Did he miss walking around without a worry in the world because he was a cop and he knew the dangers of New York's criminal underbelly? Did he miss not knowing what so many men and women worked so hard to hide from the general public?

God, he missed it some days. What he wouldn't give to get it all back, to be a normal guy once more, to go after a thief and know there was nothing sinister to it, that if there was an incident on the subway, it wasn't because of some underground, monster alien or the like. Some days, not knowing felt like it would be the best feeling in the world.

"You okay, kid?" – Kay would sometimes ask, when he was feeling kind or generous, Jay could never tell which.

"Yeah, I guess"

One day, though, it didn't end there, and Jay carried on.

"Do you ever think about going back?"

"Back?"

"To... You know, your life before– Before all of this"

"There is no life before this one" – Kay told him with all the seriousness in the world weighing his monotone voice, as per usual – "There is only this life, I thought you'd already learned your lesson by now. I guess I was wrong"

"I just... Think about it sometimes, you know. What it was like"

"Don't, it doesn't lead anywhere good"

"Was it that bad, being out there not knowing?"

"... It was good at first, but then, it was not enough, it can never be enough, kid"

Neither man said anything else on the subject, and Jay never again had the guts to continue it.

Whenever he could, he liked to sit somewhere and watch sunrises and sunsets, enjoying the soft Sun on his face. He would still wear a standard Men in Black suit, but he dared not draw attention onto himself, even talk to people sharing his bench.

He had made a choice without all the information, and at times it was too much to handle, but some days, it was okay. The Sun and the Moon were enough for him, they had to be.

* * *

A little shadow into this lovely, sunny trilogy.


End file.
